I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
