Where did you get a picture of my penis
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You are the jesus of drinking
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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