I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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