my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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