im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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