You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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