You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
