The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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