She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
