you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
