I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
