Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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