I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
