I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize