Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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