Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
