me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
