I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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