She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
