Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
