dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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