we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize