GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I need moral support for this bender
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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