my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize