Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
