Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
