I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
