the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
