Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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