I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
