1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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