Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
