Your face is a jimmy john
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
