just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
