I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
