that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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