i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Shame is for Republicans.
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