Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
