my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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