I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
