Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
