I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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