I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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