I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
