i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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