smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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