Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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