the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
