It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize