I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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