Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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