i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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