Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
