tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize