One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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