We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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