i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
