I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
