i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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