If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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