Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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