I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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