stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize