Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
