Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
it hurts more in the daytime
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
