Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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