Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
