Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
