last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
