ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
