I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
